Election Season
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Think 2016 is the worst possible US presidential election ever? Think again! ;-) President Lex Luthor is running for his second term in office, when the Joker decides to run against him. Will Luthor's politically savvy but morally bankrupt campaign win against the Joker's political inexperience, insanity, and pledge to "Make America Laugh Again"? ;-)
1. Chapter 1

**Election Season**

"So where to, boys?" asked the Joker, as he, the Penguin, and Two-Face left the Iceberg Lounge and headed out into the streets of Gotham.

"Don't ask me – personally, I don't see what was wrong with doing our planning in my establishment," sniffed Penguin.

"It's boring, Pengers," said Two-Face. "We always hang out in the Iceberg Lounge when we make our plans to kill Batman. I just want a change of scenery for once, to see what other dives are out there. This is a big city, you know – I'm sure we can find a better, regular hangout."

"Well, you won't get my discounts," retorted Penguin.

"When I used to go out partying with Bruce Wayne, we went to several different bars a night," continued Two-Face. "It was fun, taking in all the atmosphere."

"All right, no need to name-drop, Harv," said Joker. "Anyway, you probably went to bars to pick up women, which frankly has no chance of happening with you two freaks around. We got the short, fat, deformed one, and the scarred, gross, disfigured one. The ladies won't know who to run away from first."

"Really? You're gonna play the disfigured card?" demanded Two-Face. "You're not exactly smolderingly handsome, you know, J."

"Tell that to Harley!" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, I don't need to pick up chicks – I got a stable, psychotic girlfriend at home who will do anything to me I want anytime I want it. Unfortunately for her, that's not that often."

"Nobody is picking up chicks!" snapped Penguin. "That's not why we're meeting! We're meeting to formulate a plan to kill the Batman, and that's all!"

"Hey, you can't tell me what I can and can't do," snapped Two-Face. "If I see a woman at a bar and wanna chat her up, you aren't gonna stop me!"

"We don't need distractions – this is serious business!" snapped Penguin.

"Aw, c'mon, Pengers – no point in doing serious business if you can't have a little fun with it, that's my motto," chuckled Joker. "No chatting up dames for me, though – I'm committed for life, y'know."

"Your loyalty to your incredibly unhealthy and abusive relationship is an inspiration to us all," said Two-Face, sarcastically.

"It obviously is, otherwise why would you keep going back to the Plant Lady's garden?" chuckled Joker.

"Because it's sometimes difficult for people with half a face to get dates!" snapped Two-Face. "And you might have the libido of a sloth, but not all of us do!"

"How do you know what kinda libido a sloth has?" asked Joker.

"It's a slow animal – I assume it has a slow libido to match," retorted Two-Face.

"Y'know, it's not a very good joke if first, you gotta explain it, and second, you ain't sure it's accurate," said Joker. "You might be giving people the wrong impression about sloths. And what's a sloth ever done to you that you wanna spread lies about 'em?"

Two-Face ignored him, heading off into a side-street. "Speaking of libidos, how's the dating scene for you, Pengers?" asked Joker.

"It's fine," snapped Penguin.

"Really? It's just I've never really seen you with a dame – I kinda always assumed you were basically asexual," said Joker.

"Well, I'm not," retorted Penguin. "I have a sexual drive like most people."

"Yeah? For what? Women? Men? Penguins?" asked Joker.

"None of your business, Joker," snapped Penguin.

"Hey, there's nothing to be embarrassed about - I don't care whatever way you swing. I'm just making conversation," said Joker, shrugging. "Only there are these rumors about you and Riddler, and if they're true, I will make fun of you. Not because you're gay, but because of the whole choosing to date Riddler thing…"

"Harvey, wait for me!" called Penguin, ignoring Joker as he hurried after Two-Face, who was pushing open the door into a bar called _The Two of Hearts_.

"I'm just trying to do guy talk, Pengers!" exclaimed Joker, as he followed them inside. "Talking about chicks and sports is what guys do! And if you're not into chicks, I'm just trying to cater the conversation to whatever floats your boat!"

"I'll get us both doubles," sighed Two-Face to Penguin, as he headed over to the crowded bar. "We'll need it with J."

"Joker, this is a business meeting," said Penguin. "I would prefer if we kept the topics of conversation relating to that business."

"Understood," said Joker, nodding. "So is Batman the guy you really want, and you're just using Riddler as a placeholder?"

"Harvey, get me a pitcher!" shouted Penguin.

"I don't think they do pitchers of scotch," said Two-Face, looking at the menu. "But maybe they'll make an exception when they see who we're drinking with."

"You gentlemen have arrived just in time – the ladies are on in ten minutes," said the bartender, nodding at Two-Face.

"Ladies?" repeated Two-Face. "I thought this was just a bar, not a strip club."

"We have several exotic dancers, sir, of various styles," replied the bartender. "But I'll try and postpone them until after you've finished your drinks if they're not your thing."

"Oh, they're my thing," replied Two-Face. "Can't speak for anyone else accompanying me, but they're definitely my thing."

He brought the drinks over to the table, where Penguin had withdrawn several sheets of paper. "Now if we could please focus on our plan to kill the Batman with no further distractions," he squawked. "Particularly not anything of a sexual nature."

Two-Face said nothing, sipping his drink slowly. They were exchanging ideas for their Batman killing plan ten minutes later when the lights dimmed, the music blared out, and the women strode in from the back, climbing up on the bar and tables to dance.

"Really, madam, we're trying to work here!" shouted Penguin over the pounding beat to the woman on top of their table. "Why don't we put the dynamite trap over by the seal pit?"

"What?" shouted Joker.

"I said, why don't we put the dynamite trap over by the seal pit?" repeated Penguin, louder.

"I dunno if they're her real tits, ask her!" shouted back Joker.

"They look real to me!" exclaimed Two-Face.

"For God's sake, I'm not talking about her!" shouted Penguin.

"Sorry, I thought you were overcompensating to quash the gay rumors!" shouted back Joker.

"I'm talking about the plan!" roared Penguin.

"I can't even see the goddamn plan!" shouted Joker. "Here, sweetheart, get off the table!" he shouted, shoving the dancer violently forward off the table and onto her face on the floor. Needless to say, they were very quickly asked to leave by the management, and ended up seated in another, quieter bar around the corner which only had a small television on, playing the news.

"I'm just not sure two tons of dynamite will be enough, Harvey," Penguin was saying to Two-Face. "He has been known to escape death traps like that before."

"I asked the coin, and it said two was fine," said Two-Face. "I can flip again if you want."

Joker was bored of the plan already – he had contributed his idea of a death trap ride filled with smiling, animatronic, homicidal dolls, and he was more a man of broad vision rather than little details. He usually left those to other people, like Harley or the henchmen, to implement, since his mind had a tendency to wander and remain unfocused on one thing at a time. Currently, his mind and eyes wandered over to the TV, which was playing one of Lex Luthor's presidential re-election campaign commercials.

"In the past four years, President Lex Luthor has cut taxes, created jobs, and protected America's borders from her enemies. But there's so much more he has left to do to keep our country prosperous and safe from illegal aliens from across the border, and from super-powered aliens from outer space. Re-elect him to protect truth, justice, and the American way."

Joker laughed hysterically. "Old Lexy's stolen Supey's slogan! I love it!"

"Luthor's got a good campaign team, I'll say that for him," agreed Two-Face, looking up at the TV. "They can make even the most unlikable candidate seem better than the alternative. It's not like Luthor actually has anything appealing about him that would make anyone want to vote for him. He's an ethically bankrupt sociopath whose only attraction is his money. When I was running for DA, I only had my looks and charm and drive, and I won in a landslide. Luthor could never pull off a victory like that on his own merits."

"Well, yeah, he's bald," agreed Joker, nodding. "There goes his sex appeal right there. Not that I'm a good judge of that with men – back me up here, Pengers."

"Harvey's right – the campaign team is very important," agreed Penguin, ignoring Joker. "The only reason I became mayor is because I had a great team backing me, who made people overlook my hideous appearance and dubious morality by making the other guy out to be Satan incarnate. In my experience, elections are less about your policies or what you say about yourself, and more about how bad you can make the other person look."

Penguin's phone rang at that moment. "Is that Riddler?" chuckled Joker. "I bet he doesn't think you got a hideous appearance!"

Penguin glared at him as he picked up the phone. "I'm in a meeting – I'll call you back!" he snapped. "That was Francois, my tailor," he said, hanging up.

"You're dating him too?" asked Joker. "You devil, Pengers!"

"We didn't need any mud-slinging in my DA campaign," said Two-Face, changing the subject in order to avoid Penguin bottling Joker in the face. "That was all clean and above board. I won because I was the best guy for the job – justice prevailed."

"And so instead of mud-slinging, you got acid slinging in your face, and now you're a bipolar supervillain," said Joker, nodding. "So that's how fair elections end."

"Sadly, yes," agreed Two-Face, sighing. "Anyway, Luthor's got this election in the bag. Usually the new guy has a slight edge against the incumbent president, since people always crave a change, but Luthor's just too powerful to cross. He silences opposition by any means necessary, and he never gets caught doing it. He appears squeaky clean, but that's only because he's bought and paid for everyone and everything, including the presidency. I don't even know why he's bothering to run campaign ads. By fair means or foul, he's going to win the election. Anyone who tried to challenge him would have to be crazy."

Joker's eyes lit up. "Crazy, eh?" he repeated, glancing at the TV where the news was running a report of Luthor's incredible lead in the polls. "Well, I hate politics as much as anyone, but it might be a good gag."

"What might be a good gag?" asked Penguin.

Joker slammed his fist down suddenly. "I'll do it!" he exclaimed, standing up. "I'm gonna challenge Lexy! I'm gonna run for President of the United States!"

"You?" repeated Two-Face. "Joker, that's insane. Everyone knows you as a homicidal maniac – no electorate is stupid enough to vote you into power, let alone the highest office in the land."

"Yes, and anyway, you've missed the primaries," said Penguin. "They were several months ago. You can't just throw your hat into the ring at the last second. That's not how elections work in this country."

"It is now!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "I'll just kill the guy running against Lexy, make it look like an accident, and take over his campaign! If anyone has a problem with that, they'll suffer accidents too! Lexy may think he's already won this election, but he didn't count on a Joker in the deck! I'll return this country to the values on which it was founded – life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Well, maybe not the first two, but definitely that last one!"

Underneath the TV was a standee of the Statue of Liberty with the day's specials written on her gown. Joker seized this, and kissed the picture of the statue on its mouth. "Hold on, Lady Liberty, Joker's coming to save you! I'm gonna make America laugh again!"

He raced out the door of the bar, with Two-Face and Penguin staring after him. "You know, none of this would have happened if we'd just stayed in the Iceberg Lounge," commented Penguin at last. "I don't have televisions there."


	2. Chapter 2

"Nervous about the debate, Lex?" asked Mercy Graves as she applied his makeup for his TV appearance.

Luthor snorted. "What have I got to be nervous about, Mercy? I've debated rings around Clump, and even if I just stood at the podium and said nothing, I'd still win this thing in a landslide. Talk is cheap, but money speaks a very persuasive language. And I've spent enough of it securing votes that I've got this thing in the bag. These debates are a mere formality. But I do enjoy them – there are few things more fun than publicly humiliating idiots. And Harold Clump is an idiot of the first degree. You'd have to be, to try to compete with me."

"No arguments here," said Mercy, brushing powder onto his face to complete the makeup. "Ok, you're done."

"Did you powder the head?" demanded Luthor. "The last thing I need is a shiny head for the cameras."

"Lex, I've prepped you for a lot of TV appearances – of course I remembered to powder your head," retorted Mercy.

"It doesn't hurt to double check – appearance is one of the main deciding factors in a presidential race," replied Luthor, removing the napkins clipped to his suit as Mercy brushed it down to remove stray bits of makeup. "If history has taught us anything from the Kennedy vs. Nixon debate, it's that attractive people get a lot more votes."

"Also helps if they're not crooks," reminded Mercy.

"Well, it's a little late for that, Mercy," replied Lex, glancing at himself in the mirror. "Still, as long as I present myself as an honest man, the public will swallow it. It's not like they have any hard evidence to connect me to anything illegal. And it's not like any of my former supervillain associates would rat me out, as long as I make it more profitable for them not to do so. Money is power, and it's a power greater than anything those pathetic, so-called superheros of the Justice League possess."

"Again, no arguments here," repeated Mercy. "Now let's get you out there."

"We're terribly sorry, Mr. President, but we're going to have to postpone the debate," said the moderator, as Luthor came out on the stage. "Your opponent hasn't arrived yet."

Luthor smiled. "Well, if he can't take the debate seriously, what hope can he have of taking the presidency seriously, am I right, Mr. Kent?"

"Yes, Mr. President," growled Clark Kent, who had been the journalist assigned as debate moderator. "It's very unfortunate, but if he doesn't appear soon, we're going to have to call a forfeit."

"That's too bad – I was just saying to my aide how much I was looking forward to tonight's debate," said Luthor. "Let's hope he's just caught in traffic, and nothing more serious has befallen him."

"Yes, Mr. President," repeated Kent, heading backstage. He tapped an earpiece. "Bruce, any sign of Mr. Clump yet?"

"According to your Metropolis police comms, which are shockingly easy to hack, by the way, his car was seen heading toward the debate hall a good half hour ago," replied Bruce Wayne. "He should be there."

"His car is," said Kent, using his x-ray vision to scan through the walls into the parking lot. "He's not. Maybe Luthor's arranged for him to have an accident or something..." He paused as his x-ray vision noticed another distinctive car in the parking lot. "Oh God, Bruce, you'll want to get over here now," he hissed.

"What is it?" asked Bruce.

"The Jokermobile is outside," muttered Kent, hurrying back onto the stage. "We need to get everyone out of the debate hall now…"

"Well, Mr. Kent, as we wait for Mr. Clump to deign to grace us with his presence, why not ask me a few warm-up questions?" asked Luthor, who had taken his place by the podium. "Any softball stuff you like."

"I got one!" chuckled a familiar voice from the wings. "When are you gonna marry that cute little aide of yours? Also, speaking of softball, who's on first?"

The debate audience let out a gasp of horror as the Joker appeared on stage, closely followed by Harley Quinn, the cowed figure of Mr. Clump, and a couple of henchmen, who pointed guns out into the audience. "Now everyone, please, no standing ovations for me just yet," said Joker. "Remain in your seats, or my boys will shoot grenades full of my patented laughing gas into the audience. But there's no need for violence if we all just take part in the democratic process."

"What the hell are you doing here, clown?" demanded Luthor, furious.

"Now Lexy, old kid, is that any way to talk to your friend and former colleague?" asked Joker, looking hurt.

"I don't know what you're talking about," hissed Luthor. "No known terrorist is a friend of mine, or former colleague…"

"Terrorist?" repeated Joker, his hurt expression deepening. "Now there's really no need for name-calling like that! Especially towards your fellow presidential candidate – that's bad form. I could sue you for slander, though I'm honestly not sure that's the presidential thing to do…"

"What are you talking about?" interrupted Luthor. "Mr. Clump is my fellow presidential candidate!"

"Not anymore!" laughed Joker. "Tell 'em, Clumpers!"

"I…feel it would be best if Mr. Joker took over my presidential campaign…for health-related reasons," stammered Mr. Clump. "The…stress of the campaign trail has taken its toll on me, and my colleagues in the party have all agreed that this is the best decision…for all involved. My presidential nomination now belongs to the Joker."

"You can't run for president!" shouted Luthor. "You're a felon who's been certified insane and committed to a mental institution for the criminally insane for life!"

"Not anymore!" chuckled Joker, withdrawing a piece of paper. "I had the papers signed this morning to testify to my sanity, and the doctor who signed it has evaluated me as fully mentally competent! As for my so-called criminal record, you'll have to speak to my lawyers about that. Since my arrests universally occurred at the hands of a crazed vigilante obsessed with persecuting me, my legal team is attempting to get those charges withdrawn. I'm sure you know how flexible the law can be with its definitions of criminals if given a little monetary persuasion, Lexy," he said, winking at him.

"Let me see that certificate of sanity!" snapped Luthor, snatching it away from him. "This is signed by Dr. Harleen Quinzel!"

"A very discerning authority at determining sanity from insanity," agreed Joker, nodding. "She certainly has a lot of experience with the latter, much of it personal."

"You can look it up, Lex – my psychiatric qualifications were never officially revoked," said Harley, grinning at him. "I mean, you can challenge it in court if you wanna, but Mr. J's lawyers are pretty good. The best money can buy, actually."

Luthor was glaring daggers at Joker. "If this is some ridiculous joke you've set up, it's not funny, Joker," he hissed. "You can't seriously be trying to run against me for President of the United States of America, can you?"

"Not trying, Lexy, doing a damn fine job of it!" exclaimed Joker, taking his place at the podium and waving out at the audience. "Hiya, folks, I'm the Joker! I'm sure you've heard of me – I'm pretty famous in my hometown of Gotham City, and, not to toot my own horn, pretty much everywhere else in the world. You may have heard of me, but you don't know me – not the real me, anyway. I'm a simple man of simple pleasures, and my vision for this country is simple too – smiles and laughter for all! I wanna make America laugh again! For too long, politics in this country has been all doom and gloom, threats of fear instead of promises of fun! Well, all that's about to change if you vote Joker into power! I'm the candidate who's gonna put a smile on your face whether you want it or not! The candidate who's gonna make the world a fun place to live in again! A vote for Joker is a vote for fun! And what kinda loser wouldn't vote for fun? Probably Batman, but who wants to be a square like him?"

"Mr. Kent, cancel the debate," snapped Luthor. "I'm not going to stoop so low as to debate a lunatic on national TV…"

"Oooh, somebody's a chicken!" chuckled Joker. "What's the matter, Lexy? Scared you'll lose?"

"I'm not…" began Luthor, but Joker interrupted him by making squawking chicken noises, flapping his arms at his side.

"I'm not debating someone who acts like a child in a presidential debate!" shouted Luthor. "This is a serious affair to determine a serious nomination for a serious office, and this kind of behavior should disqualify him instantly!"

"Mr. Luthor, I'm just the moderator - I don't have the authority to cancel the debate," said Clark Kent, looking to the TV producers. "And the producers want it to continue. So…without further ado…I'll just…ask the first question," he said, looking down at his note cards. "Um…if elected president, what would you fund using taxes paid for by the public?"

"Oh, that's easy," said Joker, nodding. "My own line of theme parks. Jokerland – fun for the whole family!"

"That would be a colossal waste of taxpayer money!" snapped Luthor.

"I don't see how – all taxpayers are welcome to enjoy it," said Joker. "It'll cheer 'em up, and give them some temporary, joyful relief from the humdrum of their miserable existences. What could be better than that?"

"I would use the money to fund schools, hospitals, and roads," snapped Luthor. "Things that are important to people and vital to their lives, rather than silly theme parks."

"Well, nothing's more vital than fun, am I right?" asked Joker.

"Next question, Mr. Kent – I've changed my mind," said Luthor. "The best thing to do is let my fellow candidate talk – that'll show the world how insane he is, as if they didn't know it already."

"Hey, I may be a little eccentric," snapped Joker. "And I'll be honest, not everything I've done in my life has been upstanding and decent. But at least I have the decency to admit that now, unlike you, Lexy."

"I don't know what you're talking about," hissed Luthor.

"Yes, you do," said Joker, nodding. "Mr. Luthor here headed a secret society of supervillains for years. We called ourselves the Injustice League, and our job was to make life difficult for those do-gooders in the Justice League by committing crimes and hurting innocent people. All that's in my past, though – I'm a changed man, with the certificate to prove it. And I'm holding my hands up to you now and admitting that I made mistakes in my life. Something that Mr. Luthor won't admit."

"I don't have to admit anything because it's not true!" shouted Luthor. "You have no evidence for your preposterous claim other than your word, which anyone with half a brain would have to be insane to trust!"

"Actually, I have a little more than that," said Joker, grinning at him. "I have correspondence in your own handwriting between you and one Pamela Lillian Isley, otherwise known as the supervillain Poison Ivy. Among the steamy romantic details in the letters, there is discussion of Injustice League business, which I'd be happy to let the press have a look at whenever they like," he said, nodding at the press box.

"It's a lie – no such correspondence exists!" snapped Luthor. "And if it does, it's been falsified in order to slander my good name!"

"I got it right here," said Joker, reaching into his breast pocket. "Who wants a looksie? Why, Miss Lane, I've always had a soft spot for you…"

"Mr. Kent, I request an immediate break," interrupted Luthor. "I'm feeling suddenly ill and need the restroom."

"Very well, Mr. President," said Kent. "We'll resume in ten minutes."

Luthor stormed off the stage, closely followed by the Joker. The moment they were both backstage, Luthor seized him around the throat. "Where did you get those letters?!" he hissed. "Ivy wouldn't help you by giving them to you – she hates your guts much more than she hates mine!"

"This is why…you should never trust your ex!" chuckled Joker, laughing between gasps as he struggled to breathe. "But don't blame Pammie…she doesn't know I have them!"

Luthor was knocked off Joker with a swipe of Harley Quinn's mallet. "I swiped 'em from her," said Harley, smiling at Luthor. "Red told me ages ago she had them – called them her insurance in case you ever did anything to piss her off. During one of our girly nights, I gave her a little too much alcohol and she was happy to show me where she kept 'em. After she passed out from drinking, I slipped 'em into my pocket. Mr. J knew they'd be useful."

"I can get Ivy to deny I sent them!" hissed Luthor. "I can get a handwriting expert to say they're forged! They won't make any difference to this campaign!"

"Oh, believe what you want, Lexy!" giggled Joker, adjusting his bowtie. "But y'know, it's funny. The minds of the public can be so fickle and random sometimes. You can say something, and even if it's completely disproven by facts and evidence, there's always a remaining shadow of doubt in the back of their minds. Especially if the journalists start digging – who's to say they won't turn up some dirt?"

"Do you really want to make this election into who can throw the most dirt on whom?" demanded Luthor. "Neither of us are innocent people, Joker. Do we really want to see which one of us can make the other look worse?"

"Well, I do," said Joker, nodding. "I think it'll be a laugh riot. And that will certainly help me fulfill my campaign pledge of making America laugh again."

"That's a stupid slogan!" roared Luthor.

"Better than truth, justice, and the American way," replied Joker. "At least I actually believe in mine."

With incredible difficulty, Luthor managed to take a deep breath, and ball his hands into fists to stop them from shaking. It took every piece of willpower he had to force a smile. "Fine, Joker," he said. "Have it your way. You play this election like a stupid game, or joke, but the American people are smarter than that. I have faith that they'll laugh you off the ballot long before election day. They'll never vote a clown like you into office."

"Why not? They already voted in a corrupt businessman who has had dirty dealings with every shady piece of criminal scum out there," said Joker. "You're part of the establishment, Lexy, and frankly I think people are a little sick of that. I'm a wild card, in addition to my irresistible charisma and stunningly attractive features."

"He's got my vote," purred Harley, kissing him.

"Harley's gonna be on my campaign posters," said Joker, smiling at Luthor. "In a bikini. Holding a sign that says 'Vote Joker and I'll appear at his inauguration naked.' That oughta secure the male vote, and probably a good portion of lesbians as well."

"I'm not really gonna appear at his inauguration naked," said Harley. "But political types make and break promises all the time, don't they? When in Rome."

Luthor glared at them both, and then headed back out onto the stage. If he let the clowns get to him, they'd win. He had to remain calm and level-headed and not sink to their pathetic level. If he took the high road, he was sure the voters would follow. No one out there could actually be stupid enough to listen to the insane ramblings of a psychopathic clown.


	3. Chapter 3

"Lex…we might be in trouble," said Mercy Graves slowly, entering the room.

Lex Luthor was watching TV, which was broadcasting from a rally for the Joker in Gotham City. "How exactly, Mercy?" he demanded, throwing a finger at the screen. "Look at him! Nobody can possibly take him seriously! He's spent the last ten minutes telling terrible jokes about people in wheelchairs!"

"Actually, those go down quite well with people who are sick of so many disabled parking spaces in front of stores," said Mercy. "Which is a surprisingly large number of people."

"Offending other large groups of people, like the disabled, is not a good way to get yourself elected," snapped Luthor. "Even the Joker can't be dumb enough to think that."

"I don't think he does think that," said Mercy. "I don't think he cares if he gets elected or not, really, as long as he can make life difficult for you, Lex. And he has."

"How?" demanded Luthor.

"A…journalist has found someone willing to testify to your involvement with the Injustice League," said Mercy, slowly.

"Which journalist, and who have they found?" demanded Luthor. "And how quickly can we assassinate both?"

"That's going to be a bit problematic, I'm afraid," said Mercy. "The journalist is Lois Lane, and her witness is Superman."

Luthor growled. "That alien freak doesn't know when to keep his nose out of my business. Is he really too stupid to understand that any smear against me will lead to votes for the Joker? Does he really want that maniac in the White House?"

"You know these superhero types, Lex," replied Mercy. "They don't think that far ahead. They're just concerned about doing the right thing right now, whether or not that impacts the future in horrible ways. Otherwise they would have killed the Joker a long time ago."

"If Superman testifies, the people are going to believe him," said Luthor. "For some reason, they have implicit faith in an alien nobody elected to anything. If the popular vote swings against me, that's not the end of the world – I still have lots of friends in high places who can ensure victory. And the public might turn against me, but that doesn't mean they'll run straight into the arms of a psychotic maniac. That doesn't make any sense."

"Unless Joker portrays himself as the trustworthy candidate," said Mercy. "And ironically from a man called the Joker, that's actually what he's trying to do. He's the biggest liar in the world, but he's trying to cover that up by admitting that he's done horrible things, so it looks like he's not a liar. And the joke of it is, they believe him."

"I don't think it's funny," growled Luthor. "The idiot thinks he can just say whatever deranged thought pops into his head, and that people will still support him. Well, ordinary people aren't as crazy as he is."

"Um…Lex, are you watching this?" asked Mercy, gesturing at the TV.

"This is Jack Ryder, reporting live from the Joker's rally in Gotham City," said the reporter on TV. "Although one might reasonably assume that Gotham would be a particularly difficult place for the Joker to receive support, having terrorized its citizens many times in the past, there is a substantial crowd here. Some are protestors, but most seem to actually want to hear what the Clown Prince of Crime has to say. You, sir," he said, pausing in front of a man with a shirt which read: _If Voting For Joker Makes Me Crazy, Take Me to Arkham_. "What about the Joker appeals to you as a voter? And how can anything he says erase what he's done to this city?"

"Yeah, he's attacked Gotham lots of times before," agreed the voter, nodding. "But at least he's honest about it, not like that Luthor trying to cover up stuff. I voted for Luthor in the last election on the basis of his election promises, not one of which he came through on. If Joker says he's gonna kill you, he's gonna kill you. That's a man you can trust, a man who says what he's going to do and then does it, which is a refreshing change. It's been a long time since we had a president who kept his word."

"And the fact that he might actually kill you doesn't worry you?" asked Ryder.

"Jack, this election isn't about personalities, all right?" snapped the man. "It's about policies."

"And what policy of the Joker's appeals to you in particular?" asked Ryder.

"Well, that he's not Luthor for a start," replied the voter. "You can't trust Luthor – he hates Superman."

"I think the Joker hates Superman too…" began Ryder.

"Wow, that's another media lie you're peddling, Jack," said the voter, shaking his head and sighing. "Joker doesn't hate anyone in the Justice League. He's said himself – all he wants to do is spread a little joy and make 'em laugh. They're the gloomy, self-righteous nutjobs who try to prevent him from doing that. Just look at Batman, and compare that brooding, miserable, and quite frankly, unstable vigilante with the Joker. One's smiling and happy, and the other's not. I know who's got my vote. Plus, at least Joker's asking us for our vote, unlike Batman who just assumes he knows what's right for this city without consulting anyone."

"I'd like to thank you all for coming out to support me today," Joker was saying, as the camera switched back to him. "It's good to see so many smiling faces in the crowd, without me having to pump 'em full of Joker toxin!" he chuckled. The crowd laughed back. "But seriously, all I have ever tried to do for my hometown of Gotham, which I love, is cheer her up a little. I mean, look around you, people. Look at this city. With the gargoyles and the ugly buildings, it's like it was designed by some emo kid. And the architecture of this city influences people – just look at Batman! It makes people all depressed and miserable, having to live here day after day and soaking up all that doom and gloom. So me, I took a stand. I threw off the Gothic misery of this town and made myself into a smiling, laughing, happy jester. And I've just tried to pass that happiness onto you, the long-suffering folks of Gotham. Sometimes I've failed, and I'll hold my hands up to that. But I'm gonna keep on trying, because that's just the kinda guy I am. I'm the Joker, and if I ain't making other people laugh, I ain't happy. If you vote for me, I'll spread my smiles and laughter throughout this country, until everyone in the great United States of America has a smile as big as mine all the time. That's the biggest thing about me, my smile. Well, that and another thing you'll have to ask my girlfriend about," he chuckled, winking at Harley who stood next to him on stage. The crowd laughed again.

"He's…talking about his penis," stammered Luthor. "At a presidential rally…I…can't believe it."

"I can – he's the Joker," said Mercy.

"I can believe he's doing it, I just can't believe anyone is laughing!" snapped Luthor, glaring at the crowd. "Who are these morons?! God, I always knew Gotham was a hellhole full of freaks – when I'm re-elected, I'm going to seriously consider bombing it with chemical weapons to make the whole place unlivable, and then blaming Poison Ivy for the environmental disaster. That'll teach her for keeping those letters of mine."

"I told you not to write them in the first place, Lex," retorted Mercy.

"Mercy, the last thing I need is you gloating right now," snapped Luthor. "Don't I have enough to worry about without the women in my life turning against me?!"

"Speaking of my girlfriend, have you seen how hot she is?" continued Joker, gesturing to Harley. "And she is literally all over me all the time. I can just grab her whenever I want and she'll be up for it. If I can attract a gal like that, there's gotta be something about me, right? And not only is she attractive, but she's smart. Former doctor, y'know. Now, if a gal like that is supporting me, that just proves that smart people vote for the Joker, and stupid people vote for Luthor. And none of you want people to think you're stupid, right? So vote Joker, and see my girlfriend naked at the inauguration! I know you guys like that!" he chuckled, as people in the audience began hooting. "All except you, Pengers, if you're watching – I appreciate that naked women ain't your thing, though God knows I would rather bleach my eyes out than see Riddler naked. But different strokes for different folks, right? I'm open-minded and inclusive of all sorts, and Joker's America will be too. A place where you're free to have fun, no matter how weird, bizarre, or violent that idea of fun is. Have you been judged as a freak for your particular quirks? No more, in Joker's America! There's plenty wrong with me, and if there's plenty wrong with you, help a fellow freak out by giving me your vote! Thank you!"

The crowd began cheering wildly. "Thank you, and as I leave the stage, I'd like to dedicate this song to my old pal and current rival, Lex Luthor," said Joker, waving as he left the podium.

The speakers began playing the song _Hair_ from the musical of the same name as Joker headed off the stage to thunderous cheers and applause. "I loathe him," hissed Luthor.

"Yeah, but not everyone does, Lex," said Mercy, scanning the crowd. "And that's hugely worrying."

"We need to do something," snapped Luthor. "We need to nip this in the bud now, before it can escalate. If the freak has supporters in Gotham, he can get supporters anywhere. I will not allow his stupid joke to get out of hand!"

"Ok, we need to damage control this Injustice League stuff first," said Mercy. "Should I call Lane and see if I can get you an interview? To tell your side of the story before Superman can? Maybe admit to your involvement in the Injustice League, but say it was under duress? Say you were threatened or forced into it by dangerous supervillains, and you feared what they'd do if you refused. Say the Joker threatened to attack all the major cities of America if you didn't head it."

"Something like that, yes," growled Luthor. "I need to be the victim here. People love a victim, and the sympathy card is always a surefire way to attract people who vote with their hearts rather than their heads. Though God knows which one Joker's supporters are voting with. If we can twist me leading the Injustice League into some noble act, to prevent the supervillains from inflicting further damage elsewhere, and say I kept them in line and limited disaster as much as possible, no one can deny that. I mean, whatever the League did, it could have always been a billion times worse if I hadn't impeccably planned it all."

"That's true," agreed Mercy. "You organizing the supervillains made them a lot more effective, rather than just causing random chaos. That can definitely be spun as you preventing lots more disasters."

"Call Lane," said Luthor, nodding. "People will buy a lie if there's a hint of truth in there. That's how I became president last time, and that's how I'll remain president this time."

"Oh God, Lex, look," said Mercy, pointing at the screen again. The TV was running one of the Joker's campaign ads.

"Lex Luthor portrays himself as a moral, upright, successful businessman, when anyone with half a brain knows there's no such thing. What he never tells you is how he became a successful businessman, with backroom dealings, unethical projects, and heading a secret society of the most deadly and deranged supervillains on the planet. Lex Luthor even worked alongside the Joker, a homicidal psychopath who's murdered untold millions just for fun. Would you trust a man like Lex Luthor? Vote the Joker for president."

Luthor glared at the screen. "All right, Mercy," he hissed. "I think it's time to fight dirty."


	4. Chapter 4

"So…what are we going to do about the election?" asked Batman as he and the rest of the Justice League sat in the Watchtower.

"I don't think there's much we can do," said Superman. "We can't interfere with the democratic process, or we'll be seen as tyrants. We have to let the people make their own decisions, no matter how objectively terrible they might be. If Luthor or Joker can paint us out to be interfering with the will of the people, their involvement in the Injustice League to oppose us is going to be seen as freedom fighting rather than the terrorist organization it actually is."

"And you giving this interview to Lois Lane about Luthor's involvement in the Injustice League is not interfering with the democratic process, right?" asked Batman, sarcastically.

"Don't take that tone with me, Bruce," snapped Superman. "Lois asked me if I knew anything about the accusation, and I had to be honest."

"Probably also didn't hurt your relationship any," said Batman, lightly. "At least, not as much as it would have if you'd refused to say anything about it."

"I don't like lying," snapped Superman. "Especially not to people who are close to me. Although I know you don't have a problem with that, Bruce."

"Hey, boys, place nice," snapped Wonder Woman. "Nobody wants to see Batman vs. Superman again."

"Ha, good one, Diana!" laughed the Flash.

"You were in that movie too, and so was she!" snapped Batman. "And just when you think that's the biggest joke of the year, you get this election! We can't call ourselves heroes if we let either Lex Luthor or the Joker win the presidency. They're both unmitigated disasters for the country!"

"Bruce, God knows I hate Luthor," said Superman. "But we didn't interfere when he ran four years ago because we agreed that we had to respect the democratic will of the people."

"Clark, you know as well as I do that Luthor's election had nothing to do with the democratic will of the people," retorted Bruce. "He bought the presidency. I still think we should have done something at the time to expose him…"

"Yes, Bruce, we remember your suggestions four years ago," said Wonder Woman. "But you have to understand how it would look to have any of us directly interfering in a presidential election. We have to remain neutral, and neither endorse anyone, nor denigrate them. We all have great power, and with that comes great responsibility…"

"Spare me the Spiderman speech, Diana," interrupted Bruce. "What good is having great power if we stand by and let terrible things happen? And the Joker having a shot at the highest office in the land is too terrible to even consider. We have to stop this now."

"Bruce, if we didn't interfere with Luthor four years ago, we can't now," said Superman, firmly. "It would look like we have a personal grudge against the Joker…"

"We do!" roared Batman. "Or at least I do! He's a murdering psychopath! He killed Jason, crippled Barbara…"

"And so you're taking it personally," interrupted Wonder Woman, gently. "We understand, Bruce. But if you go down there as Batman and try to interfere in the Joker's election, he's going to turn people against you. He's going to say you do have a personal vendetta against him and that you attack him unfairly. And if people believe him, if public opinion actually turns against Batman in favor of the Joker, can you imagine how hard your job is going to be in the future?"

"Diana's right – remaining neutral is our only possible course of action," said Superman. "We can't let Luthor or Joker make people think of us as elitist autocrats who think we know what's best for humanity, and who try to control everyone just because we have superpowers. If people lose faith in us, we lose everything. How can we be heroes if nobody believes in us? And the moment we interfere in democracy, we'll stop being heroes."

"It's not democracy," growled Bruce. "It's a rigged election being fought by two evil people, and it has to be stopped."

"That's not our call," said Superman, firmly. "I know Luthor believes that a man who has money can do whatever he wants, but I always assumed you didn't think that way, Bruce. Perhaps I've misjudged you."

"Bruce, even if you could turn people away from voting for the Joker, it's just going to result in more votes for Luthor," said Wonder Woman. "And vice versa. Think about it that way. You wouldn't want to help out either of them like that, would you?"

"And Clark's interview isn't helping out the Joker by slandering Luthor?" demanded Bruce.

"No, both Luthor and Joker were in the Injustice League," said Superman. "So they're both equally to blame. I'm just giving the people information. What they choose to do with the information is up to them."

"So if I help spread information about the Joker's atrocities, no one will object to that either?" asked Batman, looking around.

"No one can stop you," sighed Superman. "Just try to be discreet. I'm making it clear in my interview that I don't endorse or condemn either candidate. Make sure you do the same."

Batman nodded, standing up. "If you'll excuse me, Bruce Wayne has a business meeting to get to. I assume he can support or condemn any candidate he wishes?"

"As I understand it, Bruce Wayne always does what he wishes," retorted Superman. "With an attitude like that, I can certainly see why he supports Luthor over Joker."

"Oh, believe me, Clark, your nemesis might be a corrupt, awful human being," said Batman. "But he's nothing compared to mine."

Bruce Wayne, despite his tendency to dress up in a bat costume and fight crime, was fundamentally a pragmatist. He hated Lex Luthor, but since the race for the presidency would result in either him or the Joker winning, Bruce saw Luthor as the far lesser of two evils. As such, Bruce was fully prepared to support him however he could, and had expressed this view to Luthor, who had requested a meeting with him. As Bruce changed from his Batman suit into his business suit in his limousine on the way to Wayne Enterprises to meet Luthor, he wondered what strategy Luthor had in mind for taking down the Joker. Whatever it was, it wouldn't be as satisfying as the strategy Bruce longed to implement, which was beating Joker to within an inch of his life, and throwing him back in Arkham for good.

"Bruce, I'm so pleased to see you again," said Lex Luthor, entering Bruce's office with a beaming smile. "And I'd like to thank you for choosing to endorse me for president."

"Well, anyone in Gotham who would want the Joker as president would have to be clinically insane," said Bruce, shaking his hand. "Which I'm not. We've seen what he's done to this city over the years – we don't want the country suffering the same fate."

"Understandable, Bruce," agreed Luthor, nodding. "And yet quite a few of your fellow citizens would disagree with you, judging by how packed Joker's rallies here have been."

"Well, they do say Gotham is a mad city," said Bruce, forcing a smile. "And of course many of the local criminals and supercriminals support him, being one of their own."

"Yes, I hear those types of people tend to stick together," said Luthor, nodding.

"Not that you'd know anything about what criminals or supercriminals do," added Bruce, lightly.

"Bruce, I hope you don't believe that Injustice League slander…" began Luthor.

"It doesn't matter what I believe," interrupted Bruce. "It doesn't even matter if it's true, because the truth is, you're objectively the lesser of two evils, Lex. So I'm going to do whatever I can to help you win, for the good of the country, and the world."

"That's good to hear, Bruce," said Luthor, smiling. "As I'm sure you're aware, Joker's taken the low road in his campaign, resorting to dirty tricks and name-calling while painting himself as an honest, trustworthy person. While I would like to be the better man, I can't argue with the efficiency of his approach. So I'm currently trying to gather as many of the Joker's victims, the ones who were lucky enough to survive an encounter with him, of course, to publicly denounce him. He can say what he wants about his criminal past, but when people see the actual effect his sick jokes had on people, it might jolt them awake to what kind of monster he truly is."

"Well, I've been held hostage by him a few times…" began Bruce.

"Actually, I was hoping you could put me in touch with a friend of yours, a Miss Barbara Gordon," interrupted Luthor. "She was paralyzed from the waist down thanks to the Joker, I understand."

"Yes," said Bruce, nodding. "And I'm sure she'd be happy to testify against him."

"He…um…just paralyzed her, is that correct?" asked Luthor, slowly.

"Yes," repeated Bruce. "Isn't that enough?"

"Oh yes, horrible thing to have happened to her," said Luthor. "But there were rumors that he may have also…sexually assaulted her. I wonder if she'd be willing to testify to that."

"Probably not, since it's not true," said Bruce.

"Of course, truth is important," said Luthor, nodding. "Only…sexual assault is such a hot button crime right now. It's something that really outrages people."

"…I think being shot for no reason and paralyzed from the waist down should probably outrage people too…" began Bruce.

"Yes, terrible tragedy," agreed Luthor. "But it's just not as juicy as rape. In terms of alienating voters, of course. The female vote is a huge demographic, and women tend to rally around sexual assault victims while unanimously reviling their attackers. Joker's done a lot of horrible, terrible things, but he's never raped anyone. But it would be nice if we could say he has, to really drive a nail in his coffin in terms of the female vote."

"You're advocating…asking my friend to lie about a sexual assault?" asked Bruce, slowly. "To tarnish the reputation of a man who's committed so many horrible crimes that one more really shouldn't make a difference? Doesn't that belittle actual sexual assault survivors? Plus why would we attack the Joker for a fictitious crime when there are so many more we could go after him for?"

"I just told you – rape is a hot button crime," snapped Luthor. "It'll do a huge amount of damage to his campaign."

"And if he somehow proves it's not true?" demanded Bruce. "If his accuser is found to be lying, how can anyone trust that all of his accusers aren't lying? That could result in the opposite effect, and rally support for the Joker. Plus I don't think Barbara will agree to lie about what happened to her…"

"Oh Bruce, for the right price people will agree to anything," retorted Luthor. "Surely you must know that."

"Barbara won't," said Bruce. "You don't know her. She's a person of integrity, like her father."

Luthor sighed. "Fine. We'll try being honest and attacking him for his actual crimes, but if that doesn't work, I'm going to pay some other women to lie about it. You don't know the Joker like I do, Bruce. You can try being earnest and decent, but he'll always find some way to take your good intentions and turn them against you. He takes everything as a joke, and somehow this makes him invulnerable to attack or criticism, since he just laughs it off. A man who stands for nothing is hugely dangerous, because he can stand for anything. And desperate people cling to anything when they feel like they're losing control. Even a psychopathic clown."

"You're right, Lex," said Bruce, nodding. "I don't know the Joker like you do."

But he did. And that was the worrying part, because he knew that everything Luthor had said was true.


	5. Chapter 5

"Look alive, ladies and gents!" announced Harley Quinn, as she threw open the door to the supervillain-only room of the Iceberg Lounge. "Make way for the next president of the United States of America, the Joker!"

She cheered and whistled as the Joker strode through the door, flanked by his campaign advisors. Everyone in the bar glared at him coldly.

"Joker, you're not welcome here," snapped the Penguin, heading over to him. "Not after what you said about me at your rally…"

"Aw, Pengers, there's nothing to be embarrassed about," said Joker, beaming. "I thought I made that clear – I don't care what your sexuality actually is, or even if you're actually dating the Riddler. As long as you're happy, that's what matters. That's all that matters, in Joker's America."

"There won't be any Joker's America," snapped Poison Ivy, who was drinking at a table with Two-Face. "Lex is going to wipe the floor with you."

"Good to see you still got faith in your ex, Pammie," chuckled Joker. "But I really don't think he will, in part thanks to you and your letters."

"I can't believe you sent Harley to my home to steal those from me," snapped Ivy. "Worse, I can't believe she actually did it."

"Oh, sure you can," retorted Joker. "You know I fight dirty. And you know Harley will do anything for me so I'll continue to fight dirty with her!" he chuckled, kissing her cheek.

"C'mon, Red, no hard feelings, huh?" asked Harley. "When I'm First Lady, I'll let you take free rides in Air Force One."

"Harley, the thought of you being First Lady pales into insignificance compared to the nightmarish thought of that clown actually becoming president," snapped Ivy. "If it happens, I'm leaving the country to go live in the rainforest."

"Good, best place for you," said Joker, nodding. "You're happy surrounded by your plants, everyone else is happy you're gone, and Harvey can finally get over you and move on with his life."

"I might go with her, actually," growled Two-Face.

"Geez, I wouldn't," said Joker. "You don't wanna compete with those plants in terms of size. And after hugging a few trees, I doubt the Weed Lady will even be able to feel you anymore, if you get what I'm saying."

"What exactly are you doing here, Joker?" demanded Penguin. "Aside from massively irritating everyone?"

"It's what I do best!" chuckled Joker. "And I'm just looking for a nice place to relax while my campaign managers get me up to speed on how I'm doing. Oh, and to offer someone in here the job of VP, of course."

"What?" asked Penguin, as every supervillain in the place instantly turned to face him.

"I haven't chosen my vice president yet," said Joker. "Clump's choice was terrible, so I had to fire him. Well, set fire to him, but same difference," he added, shrugging. "I could always do what Lex is doing – pick someone bland and virtually nameless who'll stay out of my way while I run the show. But I thought, why not open up the position to my friends in Gotham? They're all a bunch of power hungry nutjobs who will leap at the chance to serve under me."

"Or kill you the moment you're elected so they can take over," pointed out one of Joker's advisors.

"Well, you gotta keep your friends close and your enemies closer, ain't that right?" chuckled Joker. "Anyway, what would be the fun in being president if you weren't surrounded by people who were trying to kill you? It's my favorite game! I'll be taking applications over there – Harley, be a lamb and get me a drink, would you?" he said, heading over to a corner table.

"Mr. Joker, I think you've run an amazing campaign so far – you're neck and neck with Luthor," said one of his advisors as they sat down. "However, thirteen percent of Americans would prefer a giant meteor to hit the earth than have either of you in the White House."

"Only thirteen percent?" asked Joker, raising his eyebrows. "That seems like a surprisingly low number. What am I doing wrong?"

"Nothing, you're doing everything right," said the other man, nodding. "But I would like to advise you to reconsider this vice president pick – our studies show that the majority of supercriminals in Gotham are old white men."

"Yeah, so am I," said Joker, nodding. "Not so old, but extra white!"

"Yes, that's the problem," said the advisor. "Both you and Luthor are old white men. The voters of this country crave a change in the political system – they want diversity. Now obviously we can't do anything about you and Luthor, but we can do something about your VP pick. Avoid old white men, and go for someone a little more diverse."

"You mean I should pick someone based on their gender or race, something which they have no control over, rather than any kind of intelligence, experience, or political acumen?" asked Joker.

"Precisely, yes," said the advisor. "It polls well with the voters. Things like intelligence and experience are something you have to look up and think about – it's much easier to judge someone by just looking at their gender or skin color. And the less voters have to think, the better. Thinking is hard for a lot of them."

"Wow, politics really is a joke," said Joker, nodding. "So ideally we'd need a female ethnic minority? You're right – that ain't too many supercriminals. Except Amanda Waller, and I'll be damned if I run alongside her. An evil bureaucrat – is there anything worse?"

"What about that Asian woman who appeared in Gotham several years ago in order to kill Batman?" suggested the other advisor. "Lady Shiva, was it?"

"Hey, if we're going with assassins, let's ask Batsy's girlfriend if she's interested!" chuckled Joker. "That'd be a laugh riot! And think how much it would annoy Batsy to see his doll on my campaign ticket! I know she's a psycho dame who craves power – she'd be perfect!"

"Who's a psycho dame who craves power, puddin'?" asked Harley, returning with his drink.

"Talia al Ghul," replied Joker. "Batsy's gal. I'm considering asking her to be my VP."

"Oh," said Harley, jealousy flashing into her eyes. "The attractive, exotic-looking women who's always strutting around in tight leather?"

"Yeah, and wouldn't the male vote go wild over that?" chuckled Joker. "This idea just gets better and better – someone find out how we can contact her."

"Puddin', I'm not comfortable with you spending so much time in such close proximity with a gal like that," said Harley. "You know how irresistible you are – she might try to seduce you."

"Batsy's gal?" repeated Joker. "I don't think I'm her type. Although that'd be a laugh riot in how much it would annoy Batsy too."

"Puddin', I'm being serious," snapped Harley. "Plus if you're gonna be president, you'll be an even more powerful man than you already are, and you know how attractive power is to women. Especially women who already crave power. Besides, doesn't she want to wipe all criminals from the earth? I doubt she'd agree to work with you."

"Well, who would you suggest for my VP?" asked Joker. "The boys think it should be a female from an ethnic minority – that'll poll best with the voters. Pammie ain't any sort of ethnic minority, is she? I mean, she's half-plant and green-skinned, but I don't think those people were historically oppressed."

"Wait a minute, what about Harley?" asked one of the advisors, snapping his fingers.

"Harley?" repeated Joker. "She ain't an ethnic minority."

"She's Jewish," he said. "You couldn't get more historically oppressed than that!"

"Yeah, but she needs to start ramping up the Jewishness if she's going to run on that," said the other advisor, nodding. "She needs to be throwing out catchphrases like 'oy vey' and 'mazel tov' a lot more, so people know she's Jewish."

"You want me to turn myself into a Jewish stereotype?" asked Harley. "I'm pretty sure that's hugely offensive to me and my ancestors…"

"Oh, just do it, Harley," snapped Joker. "Or I'll ask Talia to run with me instead."

Harley sighed heavily. "All right, if it'll make you happy, Mr. J. Oy, we gotta be God's chosen people to be this long suffering," she muttered.

"There you go, Harley, that's the spirit!" exclaimed Joker. "There we go, boys – vote Joker and Harley Quinn to make America laugh again! It even rhymes!"

"I guess it does have kinda a nice ring to it," said Harley, smiling. "Cheers, Mr. J," she said, raising her glass. "Uh…I mean, mazel tov," she said, noticing the look the advisors were giving her.

"Now that you're on the ballot, Harl, I do think there's gotta be a few changes," said Joker. "Not just in the way you talk, but also in the way you dress."

"What's wrong with my harlequin suit?" asked Harley, puzzled. "It shows I support you."

"Nothing's wrong with it, pooh, but if you're gonna attract voters, you gotta dress to attract an audience. For a guy, that's a suit," he said, gesturing at his usual purple clothing. "For a girl, that's as little as possible."

"I don't wanna wear anything too skimpy in public, Mr. J…" began Harley.

"Look, Harley, the only reason that godawful film, Kamikaze Krew or whatever it was called, made any money at all was because it had a hot blonde in hot pants," snapped Joker. "It had literally nothing else going for it to attract an audience, and it made a lotta money despite being universally terrible. That's all because of the way the blonde was dressed and presented, as a scantily-clad submissive sex doll with Daddy issues. So that's what you're gonna dress like. Boys, go pick her up one of the 'Daddy's Little Monster' shirts and hot pants," he said, nodding at the advisor. "You should be able to find them in any costume shop – they were like the most popular Halloween costumes this year."

"But puddin', I don't wanna dress as a popular Halloween costume," protested Harley. "Why can't I dress in something glamorous? After all, being the first female VP nominee, I should be a role model for little girls…"

"You're not the first female VP nominee," interrupted Joker. "Remember that one who said she could see Russia from her house? But you'll be the first actual female VP when I take this election home!"

"Right, so can I dress as a role model?" asked Harley.

"No, you're dressing as a male wet dream!" snapped Joker. "Until I win this thing, and then you can dress in a sack for all I care!"

"Harley, are you actually going to let him do this to you?" demanded Ivy, who was first in the long line waiting to see Joker about the nomination. "Style you into someone completely different, an offensive Jewish stereotype, and an offensive look to all women, just so you can win the election? Is getting Joker into the White House really worth your dignity?"

"Well…we all gotta make sacrifices to win the election," said Harley, slowly. "And if it'll make puddin' happy, I'll do it. He's had my dignity for a long time, after all."

"There's your problem right there," sighed Ivy. "Also, that's a terrible attitude from someone who should be a role model to young women…"

"Yeah, so's seducing men in order to kill them and sleeping with plants," retorted Joker. "Now if you'll excuse me, Weed Lady, we'll just be going – as you can see, I already got my veep sorted. That goes for the rest of you, losers," he announced, standing up and heading for the door straight past the line. "Go home – I went with Harley in the end. This was all a complete waste of your time."

"Do you think it's funny to just massively troll people like that?" demanded Penguin, who had been waiting in line.

"Yeah, pretty funny," agreed Joker. "Anyway, Pengers, I wouldn't have picked you. I hope some day in the future America will be ready for its first openly gay vice president, but I don't think that day's here yet. But don't let that discourage you from following your dreams," he said, patting him on the back. "One day, people will be judged by the content of the character, not the superficial things they can't control like appearance, gender, race, or sexuality. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to give my female ethnic minority veep a makeover so she's more appealing to the voters. See you around, and vote Joker!"

"If he becomes president, I'm going to assassinate him," growled Penguin. "And I'll take full credit for it – no hiding behind the grassy knoll for me."

"Yeah, there's gonna be lotsa people lining up for that job," agreed Two-Face. "But that also means that Harley would then take over the presidency. And Harley with Joker dead is gonna be even crazier than she already is. She'll nuke the world on a whim just so it can feel her pain."

"Joker will nuke the world on a whim just because it's funny," retorted Ivy. "You know, people say I'm too hard on humanity, but when it narrows down its two choices for one of the most powerful positions in the world to a corrupt corporate shill with a criminal past, and an insane clown who just says whatever random crap comes into his head, I don't think advocating plant domination is at all unreasonable."

"I'm starting to agree with you, Pam," said Two-Face, nodding. "I really am."


	6. Chapter 6

"This is Lois Lane, with an exclusive interview with our incumbent president, Lex Luthor. Tonight, Mr. Luthor will be addressing the rumors of his alleged involvement in the Injustice League, as well as discussing his opponent, the Joker, and what his surprising popularity among voters says about the state of American politics. Thank you for joining us tonight, Mr. President."

"It's a pleasure to be here, Lois," said Lex Luthor, nodding as he sat in a chair opposite her in the studio.

"I'll get right to the questions – I know you're an incredibly busy man," said Lois, rifling through some papers. "First of all, what do you think is the appeal of your opponent to the voters of this country?"

"Well Lois, I think he speaks to the worst in all of us," said Luthor. "We all have a bad side, and we all do things that are wrong from time to time. The Joker is giving people free reign to not only acknowledge that bad side, but celebrate it. He's the lowest common denominator, and that can be very appealing to people who think they don't have a voice, or are being ignored by those in positions of power. But I'd just like to reassure the American people that they do have a voice, and they are heard. They don't need to go to extreme measures, and they don't need to have that voice twisted into the incoherent ramblings of an insane clown. The Joker is treating both this election and the electorate as a joke. I don't."

"So you do acknowledge that the Joker has raised some legitimate concerns over the way you've steered this country the past four years?" asked Lois.

"If people do have concerns about that, I hope they feel that I'm not ignoring them," said Luthor. "I can't please everyone – no one can. But I can acknowledge the importance of everyone's voice, even the voices of dissent, and I do. If entrusted with the presidency a second time, the first thing my team and I are going to do is address the concerns raised by this election and find real solutions and real compromises to those problems, as opposed to the Joker's unrealistic promises to voters."

"You have a number of celebrity endorsements for your re-election campaign, including billionaire Bruce Wayne," continued Lois. "Do you think that will help or hinder your chances of re-election? If, as you say, the Joker's campaign is a populist movement which addresses the concerns of an electorate who feels that the political elite is out of touch with them, don't you think the endorsement of another billionaire industrialist might be the opposite of helpful?"

"Lois, I'm grateful for anyone who puts their faith in me, rich or poor," said Luthor. "Bruce has always been the best of the one percent, the kind who puts their vast wealth and resources to good use by helping the rest of the world. He's a good man, a decent man, and I'm honored to have his support. As well as the support of the victims of the Joker – as you know, I've appeared at rallies with my dear friend Barbara Gordon, who was shot and paralyzed by the Joker several years back. She is an incredibly inspiring woman who doesn't let her disability get in the way of her work for the police force, and who doesn't let bitterness and resentment at what happened to her influence her life at all. As a man who personally abhors violence, it's truly heartbreaking to see what the Joker's obsession with it has done to so many innocent lives and families."

"But according to the Joker, while you may personally abhor violence, you yourself have encouraged it by leading the Injustice League," continued Lois. "Would you care to comment on those allegations?"

"Lois, I don't know if you've ever come face to face with some of the most dangerous and mentally unstable supervillains in the world…" began Luthor.

"Yes, frequently," interrupted Lois. "Fortunately I have always been safely rescued by Superman, someone you've publicly condemned as an enemy of the American people."

"I understand that Superman has come through occasionally," retorted Luthor. "And naturally I'm relieved that he is always on hand to secure your life when it's in danger, Lois. But he and his superhero friends represent a huge problem for this country, a growing dependency on aliens and people born with special abilities to solve all our problems. I want the ordinary American people to take back control of this country from the superheroes, to be able to stand on their own two feet with pride and not lean on these elites like a crutch. And I stand by those statements."

"Is that why you involved yourself in the Injustice League?" asked Lois.

"Lois, please understand that I would never willingly lead or support a terrorist organization like the Injustice League," replied Luthor. "Any involvement I had with it was purely under duress and threats of violence…"

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!" chuckled a familiar voice suddenly. "Though not surprising from a politician, I suppose."

The camera panned over as the Joker strode onto the set, to gasps from the surrounding crew. "You're a politician now too, Joker, so you're just calling yourself a liar," snapped Luthor, trying to remain calm through his rage at Joker crashing the interview.

"Nah, I ain't a politician," said Joker, shaking his head. "I'm just a regular guy who loves his country and who's not afraid to speak his mind. And if people like that and wanna vote for me because of it, well, God bless 'em."

"Mr. Joker, you haven't been invited on this program…" began Lois.

"And I forgive you for that, sweetheart," he said, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to Luthor. "But I think in the interests of impartiality, you really should have invited me as well as Lexy to this. In a fair and balanced election, people deserve to hear both candidates speak, wouldn't you agree? From both parties, the donkey and the elephant one, though I'm honestly not sure which one I am. The donkey one's gotta be Lexy, though, because he's an ass."

"Do you seriously not know which political party you represent?!" demanded Luthor.

"No, but I know you'd still have your hair if you didn't get so worked up over trivial stuff like that," replied Joker. "You're obsessed with details, Lexy, that's your problem. You need to look at the bigger picture."

"This isn't a debate, Mr. Joker – it's a private interview," said Lois. "To discuss specific issues relating to Mr. Luthor…"

"Oh no, the Injustice League relates to both of us," interrupted Joker. "I mean, I was in it too, and I hold my hands up to that. I think it was my way of fighting back, though, because of the helplessness I felt as a voter whose concerns were largely ignored by an uncaring political elite. I'm sure people can't really blame me for following my conscience and choosing to defend my way of life. One thing that Mr. Luthor and I both agree on is the danger in these superhero types. My local one, Batman, is basically a fascist – he believes he knows what's best for the people of Gotham and shuts down all opposition through violence and incarceration. Many of the so-called supercriminals in Arkham are basically political prisoners of the Bat tyrant, people who have differences of opinion to him and fight against his authoritarian regime, which he won't tolerate. My Vice President's best friend, Pamela Isley, is an environmental activist who believes it's wrong to stand by and let the greedy and the wealthy destroy this planet for future generations. The Batman disagrees, so he beats her up and imprisons her in a lunatic asylum. My friend Harvey Dent was the District Attorney of Gotham City, but he was disfigured as the result of the Batman's meddling, and now he's silenced and also locked up in a lunatic asylum. I joined the Injustice League to fight against injustices like that. That's what the name means, you see, not that we're for injustice, but that we're fighting against it by calling out the Justice League for what they truly are. I mean, what kinda ridiculous dictators would actually call themselves the Justice League, as if they and they alone can understand and mandate justice? It's authoritarianism of the worst kind, Lois, and while I'm older and wiser now, and seek peaceful solutions to problems, in my younger days, I don't think I can be blamed for seeking more extreme ones."

Luthor stared at Joker. It was actually an incredibly intelligent defense, much better than his involuntary leader excuse, which in comparison made him look weak and powerless. He only wished he had thought of the freedom fighter angle first...

"And Mr. Luthor, you say you were forced into leading this organization?" asked Lois.

"Well…forced in the sense that…my moral compass forced me because of similar principles…" began Luthor, slowly.

"But you just said you were threatened with violence…" began Lois.

"Yes…the violence of...being torn apart by a warring conscience," invented Luthor.

"Aw, watch how he flip flops on things he said not five minutes ago!" chuckled Joker. "He just can't help himself! It's an irresistible compulsion for political types – like a moth to a flame!"

"Joker, I'd like a word in private," said Luthor, standing up suddenly. "You don't mind if we pause the interview, do you, Lois?"

"Um…what am I supposed to do with dead air?" asked Lois.

"Why don't you see if Superman's around?" asked Luthor. "If he isn't, maybe start heading toward that window and look like you're about to fall through it – I'm sure he'll show up the moment you appear to be in danger. Excuse me," he said, grabbing Joker's arm and dragging him out of the studio and into the hallway.

"Listen to me!" Luthor hissed, slamming him against the wall. "You're going to stop all this election foolishness right now, or I'll make you pay!"

"Is that a politician promise, or a real promise?" chuckled Joker.

"A real promise!" hissed Luthor. "You're not an idiot, Joker – you know I'm a dangerous man. If you don't withdraw from this thing gracefully, I will make your life a living hell! You might think you're untouchable, but I have friends in high places who will be watching your every move. You won't be safe, your associates won't be safe, your girlfriend won't be safe. If I snap my fingers, I'll have someone do to her what you did to that do-gooder brat Barbara Gordon, and I will if you don't stop this ridiculous joke of a campaign right now!"

"Geez, threatening to cripple my girlfriend is pretty low, Lexy," said Joker. "And I thought you were meant to be taking the high road and running a nice, clean campaign. I mean, what about all that stuff you said about listening to the ignored voices of the electorate…"

"The electorate are a bunch of morons!" snapped Luthor. "They'd have to be, to be supporting a clown like you! How can anybody respect a group of people who would endorse your joke of a candidacy, let alone want to listen to their stupid voices?! I know what's best for this country because I have a brain, unlike the idiot population of America! And if you think you can unite the pathetic rabble against me, me, Lex Luthor, the best thing that's ever happened to this country, then you're even crazier than I know you to be! The people of this country are too dumb to know what they want, or what their own interests are – they need me to protect them, to tell them what to think and what to do, because they're all a bunch of sheep! Sheep who are too stupid to recognize the wolf in sheep's clothing that you are! So stay the hell out of my way, or I'll have the entire Injustice League out for a bounty on your head!"

"Ok, Lexy, got the message," said Joker, nodding. "Loud and clear. And I have just one thing to say to you in response."

"What?" demanded Luthor.

"Your microphone is on," said Joker, grinning at him.

Luthor gaped at him. "What?" he gasped.

"Your microphone is on," repeated Joker, nodding at the microphone clipped to Luthor's lapel. "Everyone in the studio just heard everything you said. And by extension, everyone watching the TV…"

Luthor's eyes flicked to the television in the hallway, which was now broadcasting the headline, "Luthor threatens opponent – insults electorate in shocking recorded footage."

"Lex, we need to go," said Mercy, appearing suddenly and racing down the hall. "We have to get you out of here now, before this all blows up."

Luthor stared from the TV to Joker, who was still grinning smugly at him. "You…" Luthor gasped. "You…I'll kill you!" he roared, throttling him as Joker began laughing hysterically.

"Lex, there's no time!" shouted Mercy, ripping him away. "The journalists are already swarming toward this place, and the angry mob will be next!"

"See ya around, Lexy!" chuckled Joker, as Mercy dragged Luthor off toward his car. "That's what you get for messing with the Joker! Or as he'll soon be known, President Joker of the United States of America!"

Hysterical laughter followed this statement. Hysterical, triumphant laughter.


	7. Chapter 7

"The election results are coming in tonight, and judging from the polls, it's looking to be a clean sweep for the Joker becoming the next president of the United States. Of course we must stress that these are guesses only, but after President Lex Luthor's recorded and angry outburst insulting the voters of this country, it seems highly unlikely that he will be enjoying a second term in the Oval Office. Here at Joker campaign headquarters, the air is already jubilant and celebratory – here's the Joker himself enjoying a glass of champagne with an easy smile on his face next to Harley Quinn, who is very likely to be the first female Vice President. Mr. Joker, Miss Quinn, how are you both feeling tonight?"

"Well, they say it's bad luck to celebrate a victory too soon, Jack, but when has that ever stopped me from throwing a party?" chuckled Joker.

"Miss Quinn, you're…uniquely dressed tonight," commented Jack Ryder, nodding at Harley's stiletto heel boots, ripped fishnets, hot pants, varsity jacket, and ripped shirt with 'Daddy's Little Monster' written on it. She also had dyed the ends of her blonde hair blue and pink, for some reason.

"Jack, for the last time, it's Dr. Quinzel," retorted Harley. "It's a Jewish name, and I'm proud to acknowledge my Jewish heritage, as well as my achievement in earning a doctorate. Not that my Jewish parents would ever have stopped kvetching at me if I didn't become a doctor – we're a high achieving people, y'know. Oy," she added as an afterthought.

"I…see," said Jack Ryder. "And can you explain your choice of outfit?"

"I don't think anyone can, Jack," retorted Harley. "Except that when I bend over, you can see my butt. I mean, look at the writing on this jacket: 'Established since 4ever – puddin' freaky style.' What does that even mean? It's like something a teenager would write in their yearbook thinking it's clever and then wonder what they were smoking a few years down the line. And I can barely walk in these ridiculous shoes, let alone do any kinda fighting. But it's also…an empowering outfit for some reason," she added, noticing the look Joker was giving her. "Which shows that I…am a strong, independent, kickass woman…who dresses like a sextoy for her man. Oy," she added again.

"Any final words to your supporters before the long night of vote counting?" asked Jack, putting the microphone back in front of Joker.

"I just want to send out a big thank you in advance to everyone who voted for me, and the American people for putting their faith in a clown like me," said Joker. "I may not be a perfect guy, and I may not make a perfect president, but hey, at least I have hair, right?"

A chair collided with the television screen suddenly, smashing both into pieces. "Lex, that was Harry Truman's chair!" snapped Mercy.

"He of all people would have understood the necessity of force!" shouted Luthor. "And if Joker wins this thing, I'm going to follow in Truman's footsteps by using a nuclear weapon to prevent this disaster of a presidency!"

"Lex, you can't nuke the whole country!" snapped Mercy.

"I can do whatever I want – I'm still the president!" roared Luthor. "This country would be better off suffering a nuclear winter than the Joker's presidency! It's for the good of the nation, and that's still my call!"

"Lex, you need to calm down!" snapped Mercy. "You're playing right into Joker's hands by letting him get to you like this! This is exactly what he wants, for you to act as insane as he is! Don't let him win!"

"He's already won, Mercy!" shouted Lex. "Or haven't you seen every poll and every prediction in the last few weeks?! He's won in a landslide!"

"You don't know that," retorted Mercy. "Polls have been wrong before…"

"These won't be, when every news media outlet has been playing my insulting the electorate recording 24/7!" shouted Luthor. "The American people are idiots, I know that, but they're not idiotic enough to give their vote to a man who calls them idiots to their face! God, I should have known Joker was baiting me! I should have realized that microphone was on!"

"Lex, this isn't your fault," said Mercy. "Joker tricked you – that's what he does best. No one could have prevented it."

"No, I'll tell you who could have prevented it," hissed Luthor, rounding on her. "Bruce Wayne and Barbara Gordon, if they had just gone along with my sexual assault story. Lois Lane and Superman, by not digging into that Injustice League stuff. But you know who carries the most blame? That selfish little plant-lover, Poison Ivy, for keeping those Injustice League letters in the first place and starting off all this mess by letting Joker get his hands on them!"

"That's a bit of a stretch, Lex," said Mercy, slowly. "I mean, I hate Ivy, but I really don't think you can blame her for this…"

"I can and will!" snapped Luthor. "Ready Air Force One, Mercy – I'm going to drop in on her and teach her not to mess with Lex Luthor!"

"Lex, don't you think this is just you desperately trying to reassert authority over a situation that's rapidly spiraling out of control?" asked Mercy. "I know how you get when faced with chaos…"

"Are you calling me a control freak?" demanded Luthor.

"Yes," said Mercy, nodding. "Because you are. And Joker knows that, and he knows how to push your buttons because of that. It's why he's winning – he's the opposite of that. He loves chaos and anarchy, and those things are much easier to instill in a population than order and justice. Heck, why do you think Batman has such a hard time of it in Gotham? Because it's so much easier for people to make a mess than clean it up. But if you allow Joker to get to you, you'll be just as much of a sucker as Batman is."

"I said ready Air Force One, Mercy," snapped Luthor. "We're going to Gotham City to tell that interfering plant that it's her fault her home is going to be nuked into a radioactive crater the moment the election results are announced."

Mercy sighed heavily. "Yes, Lex," she muttered. "I guess I can always hope that in the state he's in, he'll just kill Ivy instead," she sighed, heading off.

Poison Ivy opened her door to frantic knocking, expecting Harley Quinn, who was the person usually frantically knocking on her door. "For God's sake, Harley, if the clown can't even respect you on the eve of winning the presidency…"

She trailed off when she saw Luthor standing there. "Lex?" she asked, puzzled. "Shouldn't you be in the White House?"

"I won't be much longer, thanks to you, you backstabbing idiot!" roared Luthor.

"Hey, you can't blame me for J's victory – I'm not the one who insulted the entire electorate on camera!" snapped Ivy.

"How dare you imply this is my fault?!" shouted Luthor.

"Because it is!" retorted Ivy. "You handed the presidency to that bastard clown with your big mouth, and now he's gonna abuse this country the same way he abuses his girlfriend! If you think I'm happy about this, I'm not – as a woman, I find it terrifying that a man like that is going to hold the highest office in the land! I mean, you're a jerk, Lex, but you don't hit women."

"I think I'm about to change my position on that!" snapped Luthor, raising a fist. It was intercepted by one of Ivy's plants.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, coming here to attack me?!" shrieked Ivy. "Who the hell do you think you are!"

"I'm the President of the United States of America!" shouted Luthor. "I'm still that, and I'll always be that, no matter what the moronic voters say! I am the most powerful man on the planet, and if I go down, I'm taking the world with me, starting with your hellhole of a city!"

"Is that a threat?" demanded Ivy.

"Yes!" roared Luthor. "Yes, it is, you pathetic plant-lover!"

"At least I'm not a lying, cheating politician!" spat Ivy.

"And at least I'm not a freak of nature!" shouted Luthor.

"And at least I'm not bald!" shouted back Ivy. They glared at each other a few more moments, and then seized each other and began violently kissing as Ivy pulled him inside, slamming the front door and leaving Mercy standing outside alone.

"Well, fantastic," she muttered. "Why does that never happen when I insult him?"

"Thank you, Ivy – I can't tell you how much I needed that," sighed Luthor as they lay in bed together later. "The past few months have been incredibly frustrating."

"My pleasure, Lex," replied Ivy. "I've never had sex with the president before. And with J looking to win, I clearly won't in future."

"Please don't remind me," growled Luthor, his body clenching up in fury again.

"Now Lex, don't stress," said Ivy, standing up and heading into the bathroom. "There's no reason why you have to accept the result of the election, after all."

"What do you mean? Of course I do," said Luthor. "We live in a democratic country, and whoever gets voted in gets the job."

"That's small-minded thinking," said Ivy, brushing her hair in the mirror. "Here in Gotham, if something doesn't go our way, we have a tendency to throw violent temper tantrums until it does. If J wins, all you have to do is kill him and take back control yourself. I'd be happy to help – I loathe him."

"But if we don't respect the rule of law, or at least pay lip service to it, what's the point of even having elections?" asked Luthor.

"I dunno," said Ivy, shrugging. "But nobody in Gotham respects the rule of law, not even Batman. You should take a page out of our book, and be the hero America deserves, and the one it needs right now."

Luthor considered for a moment, and then smiled. "You know, you're right, Ivy," he said. "That's a much better campaign slogan."


	8. Chapter 8

"All right, they're going to call this thing in favor of the Joker any second now," said Poison Ivy, glancing at the television set which had since been installed in the Iceberg Lounge, and which showed Joker a few votes away from winning the electoral college. "Lex is waiting in a car outside to head to J's campaign headquarters and take him out the moment they do. So if anyone would like to join us, you're certainly welcome."

"Yes, I'm coming with you," said Penguin, nodding. "I owe Joker at least a punch to the face."

"Harvey, what about you?" asked Ivy, turning to Two-Face.

Two-Face studied his coin. "I hate Luthor," he said. "But J has been especially irritating since he started running for president. And that's saying something, considering how irritating he was already."

"Great, so you're in," said Ivy, standing up. "Come on."

"Hang on, the coin hasn't made my decision," said Two-Face, holding it up.

"All right, heads you let a psychotic lunatic come to power, or tails you stick with the status quo," said Ivy.

"You're right – it's a tough decision," said Two-Face, nodding as he flipped the coin. It landed bad side up. "Sticking with the status quo it is," he said.

They headed outside to the waiting limousine, and climbed into the back with Luthor. "Hello, everyone, and thanks for joining us," said Luthor. "Oswald, good to see you. Harvey," he said, nodding at Two-Face.

"Mr. President," sneered Two-Face, nodding back. "Fancy seeing you here looking to interrupt the democratic process."

"I just realized I had to do the right thing, whatever the cost," said Luthor.

"Right, you're such a moral guy," said Two-Face, rolling his eyes. "There's no need to lie to us, of all people. You hate J's guts, and you're not letting him win under any circumstances. I get that."

"Yes, my hatred of the Joker and doing the right thing happily coincide in this case," said Luthor, nodding. "Now, Ivy and I have planned…"

"When did you and Ivy get time to plan anything?" asked Two-Face. "Haven't you just flown in?"

Luthor glanced at Ivy, who looked back at him pointedly. "We…talked on the phone on my way over," he said, slowly. "Air Force One has a phone, you know."

"That doesn't explain why you're wearing Ivy's perfume," said Two-Face, his eyes narrowing.

"It's…not Ivy's perfume…it's my cologne," said Luthor. "I'm sorry if you think they're similar, but we clearly have similar tastes…"

"And similar personalities of being lying, deceptive sociopaths who use people for their own selfish ends," growled Two-Face.

"Not now, Harvey!" snapped Ivy. "It's neither the time nor the place! Save your anger to use against J!"

"You said you were through with Luthor, Pam!" roared Two-Face. "You said you hated his guts!"

"And I do!" retorted Ivy. "It was just sex, Harvey – it didn't mean anything!"

"Is that what you say about me?!" he demanded.

"I don't wanna talk about this right now!" snapped Ivy. "This isn't about us or Lex – it's about preventing America from making a huge mistake by electing the Joker as president! So stop being so self-centered for once! Your irrational jealousy is one reason why we don't work as a couple!"

"It's not irrational if it's valid!" shouted Two-Face. "And don't you of all people call me self-centered!"

Luthor turned to Penguin. "So how are you, Oswald?" he asked, hoping to change the subject and diffuse the tension. "How's Riddler?"

"How should I know?" snapped Penguin.

"I'm sorry – I was under the impression that you two were an item," said Luthor. "You know, it was my administration that made gay marriage legal in all fifty states."

"Are you actually canvassing for my vote right now?" demanded Penguin. "You just don't know when to turn it off, do you, Lex? Did you end your encounter with Ivy with, 'If you enjoyed that, vote Luthor'?"

"Of course he didn't!" snapped Ivy. "Although he did ask me to hail to the chief, which was fairly creepy when you know what part of his anatomy he calls 'The Chief.' But the votes have already been cast, so asking me to vote for him now would be pretty pointless, for one thing."

"And for another, I'm pretty sure using his sexual performance to buy votes would result in an even worse drubbing than he took in this election!" snapped Two-Face.

Luthor was used to being surrounded by people who hated him, that was part of being president, after all, but he couldn't deny the atmosphere in the car was palpably uncomfortable. He picked up the phone which communicated with the front. "Mercy, drive a little faster, would you?"

Meanwhile, at Joker's headquarters, the crowd had erupted into cheering as the news network announced the election result in Joker's favor. "Congratulations, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, leaping into his arms. Or at least, that was her intention, but she tripped over her shoes and landed face down on the floor instead. Joker burst out laughing at her as she picked herself up.

"It's not funny!" she snapped. "I'm in pain, these stupid shorts keep riding up into my nooks and crannies, and I'm freezing cold because I ain't wearing any clothes!"

"Well, go change, then," said Joker. "It doesn't matter what you wear now that I've won."

"Ok, back in a sec - I've got a really glamorous outfit all picked out for your acceptance speech," said Harley, hurrying off. Or at least, as much as she could hurry in her heels.

"Mr. Joker, we've got your speech here…" began one of the advisors.

"Skip it, boys – I wanna wing this one," said Joker. "It's gonna come straight from the heart."

"Um…Mr. Joker, it would be a really bad idea to start speaking straight from the heart now that you're president," said the other advisor. "That's not how things work in the government…"

"Well, things are about to change," said Joker, as the speakers began playing his victory song, "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life." As the packed crowd swayed and sang along with it, Joker looked out at all the smiling faces and beamed. Then he held up his hands for silence.

"Thank you, ladies and gents, boys and girls," he said. "This is a historic occasion, and I'd just like to say a few words. First of all, this confirms what I've always suspected about politics all along, so thank you for proving me right. The whole thing is a complete joke, and my election is a huge gag played on the American people. It shows that people will vote for any clown who says anything. Empty promises, morally bankrupt, criminal past, there is no surefire way to lose an election, short of insulting the voters to their face like Lexy. And even then, he got some votes. Politics is a rigged game where the rules are so complex that there is no way to win it – they make it so you, the people, always lose. There's no such thing as an honest candidate, because the system makes crooks of everyone who runs. The whole point of politics is trying to appear the least crooked, which often makes you the most. The world is, at its heart, a place of violence and chaos, and trying to put anyone in charge of leading that and organizing the chaos is a doomed venture. Nobody can control a country, because a country is made up of people, and nobody can really control people. People are basically crazy, and law and order and society and systems can keep some of them in line, but they'll never be able to do that with all of 'em. So there's really no point to them. They're an illusion to make people feel safe and secure in a world of unpredictability and randomness. But people take these things in and hold 'em close to their heart, and that's the joke, you see. Caring deeply and passionately about a pointless election is a joke. In another four years, you'll have another guy running, and another, and another, and nothing will ever really change. The world will always be random and chaotic, and no authority can change that, not even the President of the United States. Hell, people can't even control their own lives, so what chance has the president got to control millions of 'em? All we can do is enjoy our lives as long as they last, and have some fun with the people who matter. And to me, life is very basic – I have fun by hurting innocents and fighting a guy in a bat costume, and I've missed that being out here on the campaign trail. Life really is that simple when you get down to it – find out what makes you happy, cling onto it, and laugh at the cruel absurdity of the world. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to my full-time job of fighting that guy in the bat costume – I'm sure he's missing me. I'm giving up this whole presidency gig right now, because I didn't really want it in the first place. It seems like a lotta work, and the fun wore off a long time ago. It's just too much effort to keep this particular joke going. But I wanted to prove that I could do it, for funsies, and because I knew how much it would annoy Lexy. And before I go, I'll leave you with one final joke, a quote by the comedy genius who is Mel Brooks – 'it ain't no mystery, if it's politics or history, the thing you gotta know is, everything is showbiz!' And nobody does showbiz better than the Clown Prince of Crime! Thank you, and God bless America!"

He headed toward the edge of the stage to shocked silence, and then paused. "Oh wait, almost forgot," he said, returning to the podium. "Victory cigar," he said, reaching into his pocket and lighting a cigar. "Yeah, I know I didn't advertise the fact that I smoked – would have lost me votes. You see how stupid this whole thing is, when people judge you as unfit to run the country just for having a few harmless vices? It's all a PR stunt, and I hate that crap. Why can't you just admit you do bad things, am I right? I sure as hell don't hide my vices – in fact, I'm gonna gas you all right now," he said, pressing a button in his pocket. "See, I'm too honest to be a politician, that's my problem," he sighed, as the room began filling with Joker toxin which had been set up earlier by his henchmen. "Cue the music, boys!" he said, and another henchman turned on "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" again. Joker whistled and sang along to it as he smoked and watched his audience laughing themselves to death. He turned to the still-rolling cameras and shrugged, smiling. "Well, how else did you think this was gonna end?" he asked, winking. "It's me!"

"I'm here, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, striding onto the stage in a gorgeous red and black dress. "In shoes I can actually walk in this time!"

"You're too late, Harl – everyone's dead," said Joker, nodding at the audience.

"Aw, nuts!" she exclaimed, glaring at the crowd of corpses. "They didn't get a chance to see how good I look! And they went to their graves thinking I dressed like that Suicide Slut!"

"No loss, then," said Joker, blowing out a cloud of smoke.

"I guess not," agreed Harley, nodding. "Oooh, is that champagne?" she asked, stepping over bodies to get to the refreshment table.

The door banged open suddenly as Luthor, Mercy, Ivy, Two-Face, and Penguin strode in. "Stop right there, Joker…" began Luthor, but then he looked around at the carnage. "What did you do?" he gasped.

"Released Joker toxin into the crowd, obviously, Lex," retorted Joker. "You need to get your eyes checked before your second term."

"Second term…what are you talking about?" asked Luthor.

"I've abdicated," said Joker, blowing out another cloud of smoke. "Conceded, whatever the technical term is. I've bowed outta the race. You've won. And you've got a whole country who resents you for what you said about them, and who's angry that they were duped by me. So have fun with that," he said, patting him on the back. "These next four years are gonna be a huge pain in the ass for you."

Luthor said nothing, staring at him. Then he raised his fist and punched him hard in the face. "God, I've been wanting to do that for months!" he exclaimed.

"Hey, you can't punch the democratically elected president!" snapped Joker, wiping his bleeding lip.

"Here's what I think of democracy!" shouted Luthor, punching him again. A champagne bottle suddenly broke over his head.

"Hands off, baldy!" shouted Harley Quinn. She was immediately tackled by Poison Ivy, who was immediately tackled by Mercy.

Luthor had attacked Joker again, but Two-Face ripped him away, punching Luthor in the jaw. "Harvey, what are you doing?!" shrieked Ivy, who was grappling with both Mercy and Harley. "You're meant to be on our side!"

"I flipped the coin again and it said different!" shouted Two-Face.

"Thanks, Harv – you're a pal," said Joker, who was suddenly smacked across the back of the head by Penguin's umbrella.

The fight continued to escalate until the Justice League showed up. "Break it up, everyone, break it up!" shouted Superman, trying to separate everybody. "Mr. President, this isn't very presidential!"

"Are you talking to Luthor or Joker?" asked Wonder Woman.

"Both," retorted Superman. "Though Joker's win will be revoked anyway after he's arrested and sent to Arkham, which I'm hoping we can entrust Batman with. Right, Batman? Batman?" he asked, looking around to see Batman pummeling Joker mercilessly. "Batman, proportional amount of force, please!" shouted Superman. "If I did that, people would die!"

"God, how are we going to clean up this mess?" asked Wonder Woman, looking around.

"We aren't," retorted Superman. "We're still staying out of this election. It's our incumbent president's problem to deal with the fallout," he said, smiling at Luthor.

"Smile all you like, Superman," retorted Luthor, who was smiling triumphantly himself despite his wounds. "Covering up messes is what I do best. And since Joker's conceded, that makes me president again by default."

"It's the only way you could ever win anything, Lexy!" chuckled Joker, through bloodied teeth as Batman handcuffed him.

"We'll have to see about that – there's an ongoing investigation into your collaboration with the Injustice League, among other criminal charges," said Superman. "You might be impeached before January. And even if you're not, these next four years are going to be very difficult for a crook like you."

"I am not a crook!" shouted Luthor as he was dragged off by Superman. "I'm the President of the United States!"

"You'd be surprised how often those two things coincide!" chuckled Joker as Batman dragged him toward the Batmobile. "Did you vote for me, Bats?"

"No," retorted Batman. "I knew this whole thing was some sick joke on your part, and if I had seen the punchline coming, I could have saved a lot of innocent lives."

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Batsy!" laughed Joker. "They would have probably been victims of some crime or other and died anyway. This is Gotham, after all. Besides, if they were stupid enough to support me as president, I actually did the world a favor by killing 'em. Increased the collective IQ of the gene pool a couple points. Future generations will thank me."

"Future generations will read about this horrible joke of an election and wonder how we let the world come to this," snapped Batman.

"Yeah, but they'll have to live in a world without you and me, so I pity the poor bastards," said Joker, shaking his head. "It'll be a bleak place without any fun. I'd rather have a joke of an election between two criminals than a boring, serious election where people actually have to debate policies and facts and stuff. Although I know that kinda dull, orderly existence appeals to you, Bats – you want a world without crime, after all."

"I want a world where the future of this nation isn't treated like a joke!" snapped Batman.

"Then you're gonna have a long wait, pal," chuckled Joker. "But there's no point in wasting your time by fighting against reality for some idealized vision of the future. You should just sit back and enjoy the ride."

"The day I take advice from a criminal lunatic is the day I'm committed to Arkham," snapped Batman, shoving him inside the Batmobile, where Ivy, Two-Face, Penguin, and Harley were already secured. "So just shut up, Joker."

"Shut up, Mr. President," corrected Joker. "Until they officially revoke the win, that's what I'm gonna insist on being addressed as."

"Look, you can be taken to Arkham conscious or unconscious – it's up to you, Mr. President," said Batman, sarcastically.

"Aw, you said it!" giggled Joker. "I'm gonna be the first president to be committed to a lunatic asylum! Plus the first president with a female, Jewish vice president who's also his girlfriend! I'm just making all sorts of history, Bats!"

"Ain't it great, puddin'?" sighed Harley.

"Mr. President, Harley," snapped Joker.

"Mr. President puddin'," corrected Harley. "Little girls are gonna be born today who will look at my success and think, 'I can be capable of anything – as long as I hook up with a powerful guy, of course.'"

"It's a great, inspirational message, Harl," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, she's a traitor to the female cause for hooking up with the president," growled Two-Face. "I ain't the only two-faced one in this car."

"Shut up, Harvey!" snapped Ivy.

Penguin's phone rang suddenly, and Batman took it off him. "Hello?" he said, answering it. "No, he'll have to call you back – he's currently being arrested. This is Batman. No, I'm not going to answer a riddle, Nygma. Goodbye," he snapped, hanging up and throwing Penguin's phone back at him.

"Seriously, you and Eddie, what's up with that?" asked Joker. "I can make you tell me via an executive order, you know. Or waterboarding. Both are fairly presidential."

"I have nothing to say to you, Joker," snapped Penguin.

"Mr. President," corrected Joker again. "Although I, for one, am actually relieved this election madness is finally over, and we can get back to normal. Which is actual, non-political madness, of course," he said, smiling to himself.

Batman said nothing, gritting his teeth as he drove off. Joker was right about one thing – the world was crazy enough without getting involved in politics.

 **The End**


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